She was shy, keeping to herself and only speaking when spoken to. No one seemed to notice her, or at least that’s what she hoped.
Her classmates were seated scattered around on the large blue and brown braided rug. The teacher was playing the piano and leading the kindergarten class in a song. She loved music and wanted to sing so badly, she nervously decided to join in. As soon as she opened her mouth she was noticed by Nicholas…the biggest mouth boy in her class. He pointed directly at her while simultaneously exclaiming loud enough for a deaf person to hear, “Look everybody, she’s singing!”
He was as surprised by that fact as much as the girl. Immediately she shut her mouth. Her cheeks felt like fire. Enough for trying to sing without being noticed, at least when that big mouth Nicholas was around! From that day on she determined to keep her mouth shut.
The girl liked school…well, not necessarily school, but learning and that’s where you formally learn…at school, that is. She made good grades. Her writing was pretty. The teacher always put a sticker on her paper and hung it on the bulletin board for everyone to see. She made 100 on every spelling test and in third grade was voted to represent her class as Student Council representative. Her and Charles Love. He was the dreamiest boy in third grade. You could tell by the way all the girls swooned over him on the play ground.
No one would suspect she had belt marks on her back. No one would suspect she was told almost on a daily basis she would never amount to anything or wasn’t worth the salt that went into her bread. No one knew the razor sharp pain that cut through her heart like a knife. Her brothers and sisters knew, even her mother knew, but what could they do? Who would believe her even if she told them. Everyone thought her family was perfect. They loved her father.
She didn’t even know her father was abusing her, at least not then. She was just a little girl. It was only later the realization of it all hit her.
She didn’t ask to be born. She wondered what it was about her that he hated her so. He seemed to love everybody else. There must be something wrong with her for him to treat her so badly. Maybe, she was too ugly. That must be it. She was scrawny and had freckles on her face. She loathed those freckles. If only she was pretty, maybe her father would love her. Or maybe it was because she was stupid.
She didn’t think about telling anyone about the beatings. The girl just thought she deserved them. She must be bad. She never knew why she was getting beat. She didn’t do anything…except being born and if she could change that, she would. Maybe then, everyone would be happy. At 6 she ran away from home but decided to go back. She had no where to run.
No one ever told her they loved her. Not her mom or her dad. No one ever hugged her or let her sit on their lap. No one told her they were proud of her good grades, her natural ability to play the piano without ever having a music lesson. In fact, her father told her they (he and her mother) only had her to clean the house and clean house is what she did.
On Saturdays they would leave the girl in charge of her six younger siblings while they went to yard sales. He told the girl when he got back he was going to give the house the “white glove treatment” and if he found one speck of dust she would have to clean it all over again. She was only 12 years old at the time and this is how the girl spent most of her Saturdays. No ballgames, no bike riding, no picnics, no fun.
One day he called the girl in from playing to teach her how to light the pilot light on the gas oven. He explained how and then told her to do it. She was afraid. She cried. He got mad at the girl and yelled at her to do it. He told her she was stupid. When she refused, he got even more mad. She didn’t understand why she had to learn to light the pilot light on the oven. She was only 8 years old.
The girl grew up. She got married. Their first child died when only 3 days old. She cried. She suffered deep dark depression. She spent many days locked away in her bedroom crying. She wanted to run away just as she did when 6 years old, but where would she go and what would she do when she got there? If only she could hide from the world. She was afraid. She was afraid of people. She didn’t want to do anything, but stay in her bedroom and cry. No one understood the girl. She didn’t understand herself. She was sad. Her husband tried to help, but didn’t know how. Her children needed her. The girl must get help.
She did find help. She attended a Christian Women’s Conference only because her 8 year old daughter told her she thought she should go. The guest speaker was a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who spoke on depression. She could relate to everything the woman said.
At the Christian Women’s Conference the Director prayed for her. Immediately the burden of depression lifted from her. She felt free from the pain of her past. She felt free as a bird and happy! She laughed. She couldn’t wait to see her family and share the good news.
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32 KJV
And then there are these scriptures that really speak to those who are troubled in their soul and tell of the hope that only comes from God.
LORD, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me. Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah. But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory and the lifter up of mine head. Psalms 3:1-3 KJV
What about you? Have you been misunderstood, misused or abused? Do you suffer from low self esteem or unworthiness? God is able to heal you everywhere you hurt! Give it all to Him today and let Him heal you. He absolutely will!
Please feel free to share your experience with depression or your testimony of how God also set you free.